here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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japanese corn
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered