Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*