i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.