You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
NASA has no chill
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!