I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
You Might Also Like
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free