Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die