Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
You Might Also Like
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
When the stylist spins you back around
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.