I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Monday
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.