My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.