Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.