Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”