If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
fired
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up