Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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stand with me against insufficient seating
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace