MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.