The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Perfect
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.