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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.