I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.