Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I came this close!!!!
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again