People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WTF IS THAT!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.