I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Peace was never an option
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty