Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king