Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
You Might Also Like
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
This meeting could have been a cake
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen