Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.