BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵