[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!