Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.