My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Noah
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.