Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce