BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination