[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
LMAO.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud