I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?