[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Livid.