[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
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That’s easy for you to say
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.