An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
selfie game
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you