cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her