a god among men
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.