A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo