“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.