Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You Might Also Like
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
new shirt idea
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Growing up was a huge mistake
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.