my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
<- sleeps well with others
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.