At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
A bold strategy
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?