Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT