I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Oh my god
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot