Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old