Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.