A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I didn’t realize that was an option
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question