so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised