“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”