Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
The Weeknd is back
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich