Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Otters see a butterfly.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.